They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
