Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
