I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
