Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
