We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
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I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
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She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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