im holly from the hills drunk
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
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