I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
