Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
