if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
