First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
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