I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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