I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
