I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
