When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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