we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
