swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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