My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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