She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
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she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
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Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
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