The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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