Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
We need to rekindle our bromance
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
