He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
