I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
