What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Randomize
