Hey man sorry I got all grabby
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
