I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
