You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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