Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Randomize
