you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Randomize
