the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
