apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
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