i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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