I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Just high enough for therapy.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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