I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
