Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Sext me about skeletons
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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