I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
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