Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
We were destined to go to rehab together
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
