I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
