Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
