Sorry, I don't speak sober.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
