Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
