Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
