On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
