Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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