did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
