Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
