I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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