i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
pop tarts are not kleenex
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
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