Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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