I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize
