I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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