I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
