drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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