I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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