I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Randomize
