my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
