I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
How many fucks given?
0.12846
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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