I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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