The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Randomize
