He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
