it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Randomize
