I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
